January 1st 2019 – Happy New Year!

I’m not a big fan of lame-jokes, but why not start 2019 with a chuckle (or maybe a laugh?)

-Is your cup half-full or half-empty? – With a half-cup of hot toddy – Who cares?

-They say ‘Always start the New Year off on the right foot’. But I’m left-footed!

-Is it a ‘New Year’ if it’s just the same as the last one?

-It’s always dumb to lie to yourself – But New Year’s resolutions are the exception.

-Like this one:- “I resolve to be a better person this year.” (Not really a ‘lie’ more like a ‘joke’).

-As they say, “A New Year’s resolution goes in one year and out the other”.

-And “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions”.

-This New Year’s ‘The Donald’ resolved to be even more opinionated. After all, that’s the only thing he’s really good at.

-Why not resolve to break your New Year’s resolutions? That way success is guaranteed!

-New Year’s was invented by Calendar Companies so you have to buy new one every year.

-My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

-Why resolve to quit all your bad habits? After all, nobody likes a quitter!

-Why do they drop that ball in Times Square? We don’t need to be reminded of what we did last year!

-If you resolve to read more, just click ‘subtitles’ on your TV.

-An optimist expects 2019 to be even better than 2018. But a pessimist knows it will be even worse.

-New Year’s Eve at the clubhouse: The host asked the members to write down the one thing they would change in the coming year. Some wrote “My putter”. Others wrote “My driver”. A few wrote “My spouse”!

-If you were born on October 1st, you know how your parents celebrated New Years!

-With the New Year upon us, why think about the evils of drinking? Easier to give up the stress of thinking!

-“How did you celebrate the New Year last night?” “I don’t remember, so I must have had a good time!”

-His New Year’s Resolution was always to move out of his parents’ home. You’d think after 30 years, he’d try something new!

-He asked ‘Sindrella’ if she would go out on New Years Eve?” She said, “Yes, but we have to be in bed by midnight!”

-Speeder to traffic cop= “Do you know who my father is?” Cop =”Your mother didn’t tell you?”

-My friends all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. But they’re not laughing now!

-Two seniors went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.

-What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot?

 

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